Tag Archives: spirituality

Another Long Night

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As Danielle and Florence prepared to go back home for the evening, they made sure a mouth-activated nurse-call button was within reach in case of an emergency. They both gave a farewell hug which, while emotionally comforting, was physically painful not unlike putting pressure on a bruise.

Danielle also set up a small bluetooth speaker connected to my phone. At home IтАЩd occasionally listen to music or a podcast through an earpiece to be able to sleep through the noise of my c-pap machine. Since my mind was still too foggy to follow a podcast I opted for music on a Spotify playlist.

I started creating the playlist around 2022 and envisioned it as a sampling of songs for an imaginary pirate radio station (inspired by early 90s Radio Free Hawaii). It gradually grew to many hours of music and is the same playlist as the one on the Spotify widget on the bottom-left corner of this site. I hoped it’d be a distraction from obsessive thoughts, but it backfired initially.

In my fragile state of mind I felt highly attuned to the emotions of others including the musicians’. Any song performed with a modicum of authenticity (especially involving themes of heartbreak or loss) was enough to trigger a steady flow of tears. This was surprising at first because I normally wouldn’t be so moved by music, but of course my circumstances weren’t normal and I struggled to hold back tears for the sake of my visitors throughout the day.

Another characteristic of some of the triggering songs was their association with specific memories. I was transported to happier times with Danielle such as driving to a campsite, attending concerts, dinner parties with friends, even cooking breakfast at home on a random weekend. These memories led to a different train of thought which was all of the activities I could no longer do and places I could no longer see in person.

At this point I was well aware I was spiraling into depression but gave myself permission to continue. I’ve always had a tendency to suppress my feelings but I felt if I continued that pattern it would make the trauma worse.

The First Day Continued

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When Danielle and Florence first visited me in the Neuro ICU, it felt like the first time I saw them since before the crash. On further reflection I recalled the hazy dream-like hospital room that was actually the Trauma ICU. My memories of it even at that time seemed faded and fragmented whether because of the heavy medication or a side-effect of physical and/or mental trauma.

Regardless, how could I not realize I was quadriplegic through that period which was at least a week? I tried hard to recall what people actually said to me but could only remember portions of my mother explaining how my family scrambled to get to Seattle and my brother Daryl explaining something about a computer.

Part of the missing information could be attributed to impaired hearing, since I noticed sounds coming through my left ear had a slightly distant or muffled quality. But I think the main factor was my fragile mental state compounded by heavy medication causing faulty memory. It could also be that “selective forgetting” was a way to protect myself from uncomfortable information my mind was incapable of accepting.

One example was at some point that day I felt the urge to urinate and thought IтАЩd need to call the nurse for a bedpan. This alarmed my visitors because they witnessed the same scenario at the trauma ICU not long before. They explained for a second time that I had been catheterized shortly after being admitted to Harborview.

Perhaps suspecting there’s other important details I hadnтАЩt retained, Danielle provided a detailed description of my injury. Though I had deduced what what was going on with my body, it didn’t hit home until she described it as the same injury suffered by Christopher Reeve. She then asked if I knew how I was injured and after I gestured “no” she recounted what she knew about the crash from police and first responder reports. Even though I had no prior memory of such details, it didnтАЩt come as a complete surprise since a bike crash was always the most likely explanation. She described surgery scars along my neck and spine that resembled tattoos and puncture wounds on my head from having it bolted down to keep it from moving. I couldn’t feel them at the time but did later on.

Also new to me (though likely recounted before) was the timeline of my stay at Harborview. To me it felt like it could have been anywhere between a few days and a month. In actuality it had been about two weeks. Even more surprising was learning I had flatlined for a few seconds on at least two occasions. Danielle became teary-eyed as if reliving those moments and seemed almost as re-traumatized recounting repeated unsuccessful attempts to get information from my employer’s impenetrable HR department.

Although I retained a partial memory of it, my mother described how she, my father and older brother arrived at the hospital just two days after my crash. My dad and brother had to go back home after about a week but my mom planned to stay for three months. I was appreciative for their visit because my parents had been reluctant to travel by plane since the start of Covid in 2020.

Throughout the day we were frequently interrupted by nurses taking vitals and refilling the IV with saline, liquid food and medications, staff members changing my bed position and cleaning the room, and phlebotomists drawing blood samples. An odd side-effect of my lowered metabolism (or slowed-down state of mind) was that everyone’s movements seemed “sped-up”. The entire day seemed to go by rapidly as well and before long it was evening.

First Post-Crash Day Fully Conscious

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The first group I encountered on my first day of full consciousness post-crash was a team of various medical professionals. A nurse recorded my vital signs while a doctor assessed my cognitive health through a series of questions which I answered by nodding or shaking my head.

A couple of people from the surgical team focused on the extent of my spinal cord injuries, asking if I was able to feel or move various parts of my arms and legs. I was able to feel everywhere, though in a tingly and imprecise way, similar to how one’s arms or legs feel “asleep” from lack of circulation. I could definitely feel a sense of touch, but it seemed to emanate not from the surface of the skin but from a layer beneath. As expected, I couldnтАЩt move anywhere below the shoulders while areas touched on my arms were felt on corresponding areas of phantom limbs above my chest.

Lastly, a specialist investigated my emotional state through another round of questions including if I felt depressed or had suicidal thoughts. This line of questioning seemed absurd at the time for how self-apparent the answers should be. ItтАЩs inconceivable that anyone newly quadriplegic would not be depressed. Likewise, any sane person who loses movement of all limbs as well as loss or impairment of numerous internal bodily functions would be lying if they denied having suicidal ideation even fleetingly.

That being said, I nodded in agreement about being depressed but shook my head to signal “no” to the question about suicide. I didnтАЩt want or need suicide counseling and even if I were seriously suicidal, what could I do about it? But my main motive for lying was the possibility that my family would find out. I imagined how they may have experienced trauma from witnessing the trauma I went through, and how much theyтАЩd want me to survive. It would hurt them to know they wanted me alive more than I did at the time. There are moments when I still have such thoughts, particularly when my wife and I experience economic setbacks related to my injury, but the emotional impact suicide would have on loved ones is enough to keep the thoughts ephemeral and in the realm of speculation.

As if conjured by thoughts and memories, my wife Danielle and mother Florence arrived soon after, looking just as worried as I expected.

Assessing the Damage

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In hindsight, what obsessed my thoughts upon regaining full consciousness at the neuro ICU was described by Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross’ five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I certainly experienced all of them, though in varying order and levels of intensity and repetition, for my mind kept looping back to different stages and emotions.

Denial was one of the earliest stages, which I felt as soon as I realized I couldnтАЩt fully move. Anger was less dominant and would be directed at what I felt to be an unjust god or universe, myself, or anyone else who may have been involved (I had no idea since I had no memory of what happened). I also experienced my own form of bargaining, imagining what IтАЩd sacrifice or do differently were I to have a chance to regain my former body and way of life. Depression permeated my mental state at the time, and though I knew I needed to accept the reality of my situation, it was and still is a struggle to retain acceptance and resist the temptation of magical thinking.

To distract from thoughts related to grief and loss, I focused instead on physical sensations. Though I couldnтАЩt see intentional movement below my shoulders, when I attempted to move arms or legs I detected certain muscles firing. The signals were fairly weak but were hopeful signs nevertheless. Occasionally IтАЩd feel a sudden random leg twitch which made me think of rigor mortis. With each twitch, as well as whenever I moved parts of my shoulders still capable of movement, I felt a surge of tingling similar to how it feels when oneтАЩs leg or arm is asleep.

My sense of touch below the shoulders was altered in other ways as well. The cloth touching my body felt odd and unnatural while parts of my arm that were exposed seemed extra sensitive to even the slightest breeze such as the one emitted from an overhead AC vent. I felt the sensation of a metal bar over my chest just below my neck which was actually the separation line between the paralyzed and non-paralyzed parts of my body. Overall, my body felt numb, which I was later informed was a result of widespread inflammation due to trauma. This was a small blessing since as inflammation reduced over time, muscle tightness and spasms increased and continue to plague me to this day.

My phantom limbs were in the same position over my chest while actual arms were still alongside my torso. IтАЩve always thought phantom limb syndrome only occurred when one loses limbs, but apparently it also happens when the brain has faulty connections to limbs. IтАЩll never get over how strange it is to feel my limbs at the wrong locations.

The main source of physical pain I felt at the time came from the breathing tube near my throat and an additional tube taped to my nose which I later learned was a medication feed tube. The pain was heightened every time I swallowed. I also detected a few chipped teeth with my tongue. The only other notably altered sensation was a feeling of tiny sparks on the skin of my forehead. This turned out to be the new way I experienced sweating.

Having spent what felt like sufficient time alone, I looked forward to the staff and visitors that I expected would soon show up.

From Dream to Nightmare

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Upon waking up at the Neuro ICU, I rested for some time with my eyes closed. I noticed an odd sensation of movement despite not hearing or feeling wind and vibrations which would indicate movement. What I did feel was my arms hugging my chest tightly as if in a straight jacket, though the material felt more like a rubbery mesh than cloth. Meanwhile a nearby machine produced a steady hiss similar to an air pump roughly synchronized with my breathing patterns.

Disturbed by everything I was sensing, I reluctantly opened my eyes to a dark room bathed in a dim green and purple glow from various monitoring devices. As my vision adjusted, I craned my neck and realized my arms were both flat on each side of my torso and I was wearing a standard hospital gown. I also glimpsed various tubes all over my body. An IV in my right arm, some type of nose tube, and a breathing tube connected to a ventilator.

My first instinct was to attempt to go back to sleep, hoping what I was experiencing was sleep paralysis or a false awakening within a nightmare. This proved to be futile, as my mind struggled to reconcile the disconnect with my body. One likely factor was medication, as the initial feeling of movement while awakening was similar to the feeling of heavy drunkenness. As for the illusory straight jacket, the only theory I could come up with was that it was some form of phantom limb syndrome. I struggled to move phantom limbs and “actual” limbs to no avail. At that moment I wasnтАЩt experiencing phantom leg limbs but nevertheless could not move my legs or any part of my body below the shoulders nor could I talk.

With that realization I felt like crying but was perhaps too much in shock to do so. I also may have held out hope that I was still in a bad dream and that when I actually woke I would be back to my normal self. I was definitely in a nightmare, but not the type one can wake up from, though I did grant myself a brief respite by eventually falling back to sleep.

Thoughts About Mind, Consciousness, & Humanity’s Origin

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Can understanding the nature of Mind, consciousness and the ET phenomenon lead us to an expanded understanding of our origins?

By Tom Bunzel

Source: The Pulse

As a fan of Eckhart Tolle IтАЩve always liked his description of Consciousness (or тАШBeingтАЩ which seems his preference) as тАЬNo Thing.тАЭ

This separates тАЬBeingтАЭ from the world of form, and puts it into the area of what Tesla called тАЬnonmaterial reality.тАЭ

IтАЩve generally thought of this reality as (an) Infinite Mind (again as opposed to тАЬGodтАЭ) to take out the anthropomorphic bias which seems to permeate organized religion. Political Christianity and some other groups seem to relish an angry and vengeful God to keep the parishioners paying. But when you step away from beliefs that are easily debunked you are still left with a fact.

We seem to be thinking.

Of course, it was Descartes who famously equated thought with Being, which has led to all sorts of issues that Eckhart Tolle describes well in his work.  When we identify with only our thoughts, we have narrowed our focus and reduced reality to labels. 

But the reality of thought persists.  What is it?

Is Thought Electricity in the Brain?

Neuroscientists seem to have identified the presence of thoughts in the brain through various instruments that can pick up electrical signals in parts of the brain and between synapses.

But so far, I donтАЩt believe they can тАЬdownloadтАЭ these signals and decode them.

When we observe our thoughts, we can see that they seem to be comprised of тАЬwordsтАЭ.  In fact, IтАЩve had the experience of thinking in languages other than English (my native language is German) and of course, the thoughts come as words тАУ sometimes in cogent sentences or perhaps just one word. 

So, I was musing, what about ancient humans? Did they need to form a sentence in their brains to warn them that a lion might be in the bushes?

If youтАЩve ever experienced trauma, you know the answer тАУ our limbic system activates, putting us in тАЬfight or flightтАЭ well before any thought ever happens. 

I would suggest that a primal, lower frequency of Mind operates in our limbic system, before thought and language.

So, when did we start thinking in тАЬwordsтАЭ?

According to my AI friend,

тАЬscholars believe it [language] originated at least 100,000 years ago during the Middle Stone Age. The development of language is linked to the increased complexity of human culture and cognition.тАЭ

Maybe a tribe of hunter-gatherers developed a sound for тАЬlionтАЭ and it became a warning cry.  Then perhaps тАЬbigтАЭ lion or тАЬmany lionsтАЭ.

We know that our ancients memorialized beasts in petroglyphs of various kinds to communicate but the next big breakthrough was when the words, sentences and thus concepts were able to be preserved.

Writing Was the Big Game Changer

AI tells us that

тАЬWriting systems were invented independently by different civilizations thousands of years ago as a means of recording information. The earliest writing emerged around 3,500-3,000 BCE in Mesopotamia and Egypt. Chinese writing developed around 1,200 BCE.тАЭ

So now I will do what they do on Ancient Aliens, which is take a speculative leap based on the foregoing.

It intrigues me that the cultures that seemed to тАЬcreateтАЭ writing all have a version of the Prometheus myth тАУ crediting the тАЬGodsтАЭ with giving them the gift of higher knowledge.

To connect this to the beginning of writing seems to make sense, as we have precisely these myths in Mesopotamia (Annunaki) and Egypt. 

And it seems clear that with the onset of the written word (and mathematical notations) great leaps in human progress came almost in quantum intervals.  We got the printing press and eventually our modern technology.

We might speculate that it is likely that Mind has been with us forever, but that thought evolved and expanded dramatically with the beginning of writing тАУ and that writing could easily be seen as a gift that transformed human civilization.   

There May Have Been Consequences for Teaching Humanity

It is also very plausible that any entity that conveyed such a gift to humanity may well have angered other entities that wanted to keep humans in check. 

Cuneiform tablets from the Sumerians describe how one тАЬGodтАЭ Enki created humans in the image of the Annunaki and gave them knowledge тАУ but most of the humans were wiped out by his rival Enil in the great flood.  We now have evidence in the geological record that such a flood happened about 12,000 years ago.

But just this little thought experiment can vastly expand our sense of our place in the cosmos along with providing a much-needed dose of humility.

What if we did not simply тАЬevolveтАЭ with natural selection but received assistance in an area we are now beginning to understand тАУ genetics?  This would indicate a profound connection to the cosmos in a way that is disregarded by our current society.

It is also worth noting, as my AI explains,

тАЬThere is evidence that around 250,000-300,000 years ago there were some key genetic changes in early humans that contributed to increased brain size and advanced cognitive abilities compared to other primates.тАЭ 

Where these came from or how they came about is still a mystery.

And now that it seems apparent that some visitation by тАЬentitiesтАЭ from the sky is not likely fiction but a reality, it may help to broaden our understanding of Nature and how we got here.

My AI friend makes another statement which I think is exactly backwards:

тАЬSome key developments that enabled writing include the evolution of symbolic thought, the invention of systems of counting, and the emergence of urban civilization needing record-keeping.тАЭ

Clearly, it was first language, and then writing and math that led to this evolution of our brains, not the other way around.  Our original brains would have needed to expand to accommodate our first language which took us beyond the limbic system to labeling, and ultimately writing which led us to sharing ideas and thinking тАЬsymbolicallyтАЭ тАУ using groups of letters as words and then sentences to convey increasingly complex concepts.

My own experience with neuroplasticity confirms that new uses for the brain expand its capacity, creating new pathways and neural networks. People who keep learning seem less susceptible to dementia.

Opening to the possibility that our evolution was тАЬjump startedтАЭ by extraterrestrials changes the narrative from chance and natural selection to a more profound connection to the universe in areas that our current science has mostly yet to penetrate. (Nonmaterial reality).

A Clue that Space Is Not Empty

But technology in particular seems to point us in the right direction тАУ it was the offspring of the printing press тАУ the computer тАУ which eventually led us to a huge breakthrough in our awareness of the nonmaterial or seeming empty space as being potentially much much more.

When we developed WiFi suddenly the information encoded in words, thoughts and sentences could travel through space. So who knows what other information or Mind stuff has been around us all along?

Because Mind is everywhere and at the heart of Nature.

Just Seeing Through The Propaganda IsnтАЩt EnoughтАКтАФтАКWeтАЩve Got To Open Our Hearts As Well

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Humanity doesnтАЩt just need to escape from the mental prison of imperial indoctrination. It needs to escape from the heart prison as well.

By Caitlin Johnstone

Source: CaitlinJohnstone.com.au

Humanity doesnтАЩt just need to escape from the mental prison of imperial indoctrination. It needs to escape from the heart prison as well.

IтАЩm always talking here about the need to fight empire propaganda to help the public awaken to the fact that everything weтАЩve been trained to believe about the world is a lie, because that insight taking root in sufficient numbers would be the first step toward the revolutionary changes our world so desperately needs.

But large numbers of people opening their eyes to the reality of mass-scale psychological manipulation by the powerful would by itself be insufficient, because people need not only to see the truthтАКтАФтАКthey also need to care. 

Realizing the depravity and immense human suffering the US-centralized empire is responsible for creates an opportunity to respond to this insight with horror and begin resisting itтАКтАФтАКbut it is only an opportunity. At that juncture itтАЩs still possible for someone to realize that weтАЩre not being told the truth about whatтАЩs happening in the world, but decide to play along with the lies anyway, either because the existing world order has made them wealthy, or because they are too indoctrinated with support for western power structures, or because they ideologically support Israel, or because theyтАЩre afraid of the changes and upheaval that would come with an overturning of the status quo, or because they are intellectually and morally lazy, or some other selfish reason.

Realizing that youтАЩve been indoctrinated into accepting a pernicious status quo unlocks an important door within yourself, but just because that door is opened doesnтАЩt mean you have to walk through it. Walking through it requires another kind of awakeningтАКтАФтАКan awakening of the heart.

Really no amount of knowledge or intellectual insight will ever set us free as a species in and of itself. You could upload the sum total of human knowledge into the brain of everyone on earthтАКтАФтАКincluding even government secrets that arenтАЩt public knowledgeтАКтАФтАКbut unless this is accompanied by a collective opening of the heart, it wouldnтАЩt make any difference. Unless people can find it within themselves to care deeply about the horrific things our rulers have been doing to our fellow human beings, no amount of knowledge about those things will catalyze real change.

And there are plenty of people who know but donтАЩt care. The most powerful government agencies in the world are run by people who know terrible secrets about our ruling power structures that we ordinary members of the public are not allowed to know, but because their loyalty is to the empire and not to humanity, they donтАЩt care about the moral implications of what they know or the human suffering the empire is responsible for.

So the demand of this moment in history is not just to understand, but to care. Not just to know whatтАЩs wrong with the world, but to feel it. Not just to awaken on the level of the head, but to awaken on the level of the heart as well. Not just to value our own personal understanding, but to value humanity as a whole.

Knowledge of the truth can lead to a profound compassion for the victims of the globe-spanning power structure which rules over us and a determination to oppose its crueltyтАКтАФтАКthatтАЩs why said power structure pours so much energy into keeping everyone propagandized. But it doesnтАЩt necessarily need to lead to such compassion. The light of truth can stop its expansion at the gates of the heart, unless thereтАЩs some willingness from somewhere deep inside us to throw those gates open.

Ultimately humanity just needs to wake up, on every level. We need to liberate ourselves from the shackles of propaganda. We need to liberate ourselves from the shackles on our hearts. We need to liberate ourselves from the shackles of the ego. We need to liberate ourselves from the shackles of the dualistic perspective which obfuscates the oneness of all of reality from our vision. 

ThatтАЩs whatтАЩs being asked of us at this juncture. To wake all the way up and become a conscious species. ThatтАЩs the only way weтАЩll ever be able to move about on this planet in a healthy and harmonious way. 

And weтАЩll either rise to the occasion or we wonтАЩt. WeтАЩll either wake up, or weтАЩll destroy ourselves. I believe we have the freedom as a species to go either way.

Just Keep Bringing Awareness To The Depravity Of The Empire In As Many Ways As Possible

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You never know what could be the one thing that snaps somebodyтАЩs eyes open.

By Caitlin Johnstone

Source: CaitlinJohnstone.com.au

At this point in history the most effective way for westerners to fight the empire and build support for revolutionary change is to undermine public support for western status quo systems and institutions. One does this by using every means at their disposal to help people see that the power structures which rule over us donтАЩt serve our interests, and that they are in fact profoundly evil and destructive.

It takes a flash of insight for a westerner to be able to really see the perniciousness of the US-centralized empire in all its blood-soaked glory. This is because westerners spend their entire lives marinating in empire propaganda from childhood, which has normalized and manufactured their consent for the murderous, exploitative and oppressive power structure we live under. The current status quo is all theyтАЩve ever known, and the idea that something better might be possible is alien to them.

Teachers of spiritual enlightenment point students to the truth of their being in as many ways as possible in an effort to facilitate a flash of insight into reality. The reason they do that rather than saying the same words over and over again from day to day is because everyoneтАЩs mind is unique and ever-changing, and what knocks things home for one student one day will just be useless noise to another student who will later pop open at something completely different. The receptivity to insight varies from person to person.

Similarly, a westerner whoтАЩs been swimming in empire propaganda their whole life wonтАЩt have their moment of insight into the depraved nature of the empire until something lands for them that they are personally receptive to. Someone who isnтАЩt receptive to words about the exploitative and ecocidal nature of global capitalism may be receptive to the threat of rapidly expanding censorship, surveillance, police militarization and other authoritarian measures. Someone who is unbothered by the empireтАЩs nuclear brinkmanship with Russia and looming war with China may have their heart broken and their worldview changed when shown what is happening in Gaza.

What triggers the opening of one pair of eyes may not be what triggers another. A kickboxer doesnтАЩt throw only overhand rights because that happened to be what scored a knockout in his last bout, he throws a diverse array of strikes in varied combinations at all levels to overwhelm the defenses of his opponent and land a fight-ending blow. When fighting the empire, one needs to bring the same approach.

Look for fresh opportunities to show westerners that the mass media are deceiving and propagandizing them to get them questioning their assumptions about what theyтАЩve been told about the world. Look for fresh opportunities to show them evidence that the US war machine is the most murderous and destructive force on this planet. Look for fresh opportunities to show them how status quo systems create a far less beneficial society and a far less healthy world than what we could have under different systems. You never know what could be the one thing that snaps somebodyтАЩs eyes open.

Nothing you do on this front is wasted effort. All positive changes in human behavior at any level are always preceded by an expansion of awareness, so anything you can do to help bring awareness to the reality of our situation is energy well spent. Any effort you make to shove human consciousness toward the light of truth in even the tiniest way has a beneficial effect on our species.

So use whatever tools you can to make that happen. Have conversations, attend demonstrations, put up signs and stickers, write, tweet, make podcasts, make videosтАКтАФтАКwhatever you find effective for you. Just make sure youтАЩre coming at this thing from as many angles as possible, because diversifying your attacks on the mind control machine is the best way to get through its defenses.