Category Archives: consciousness

Journey Back Inward

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Though I can’t speak for everyone who has suffered spinal cord injury, my experience had destabilized every aspect of my life to the point where I questioned who I was. Delving into memories was one way to ground myself, but at the time more recent memories were all too painful reminders of what I had lost.

Another strategy which I gravitated towards intuitively was to create a narrative. I began thinking about how to put such an overwhelming experience into words as if it was a book or screenplay. My goal wasn’t to actually create media but to entertain myself during long sleepless nights, though some of these musings were memorized and included in these posts.

Creating a narrative also helped integrate pre and post-crash lives (which at times still seems as disconnected and dissociated as my mind from my body). Part of it involved making sense of the senseless, a struggle which also draws people towards religion and philosophy in times of crisis. I’ve had an interest in both for a long time, sparked in part by cannabis and entheogen experimentation throughout my early to mid 20s. However, the perspective provided by spinal cord injury opened up a deeper emotional and experiential appreciation.

Oddly, qualities which one might think would prepare me for my fate also presented unique challenges. For example, pre-injury I often felt I was “living in my head”, preoccupied by fictional, theoretical, and speculative topics. Much of my waking hours are now focused on pragmatic matters like correspondences and research related to health, bills, insurance, social security, etc. which is still in the mind but in a way not previously accustomed to. This is partly why my writing been more sporadic lately.

Similarly, pre-injury I was often immersed in multimedia of a wide variety of genres. While I fortunately still have access to electronic media, my interest in physical media has significantly decreased. I thought about my library of rare and obscure books collected over many years I was once so proud of. Not being able to read them without help nor able to enjoy the tactile pleasure of holding them, I lost interest in owning the books. I could only hope to get help selling them on Ebay or giving them to people who might value them as I once did.

I was and still am somewhat of a loner, though I can and do reach out to people when I want to via internet. Having “alone time” has always been important and I still get enough of it, but what’s different now is that activities that were previously private (ie. showers, bathroom, toothbrushing, etc.) are now shared with a caregiver out of necessity.

Prior to my injury I was fortunate to have never needed to be hospitalized for anything major other than a minor stroke in 2019 (which I completely recovered from within a month). I had long been semi-health-conscious, eating healthy most of the time and structuring my life to stay somewhat fit without having to go to the gym. My goal used to be longevity with a focus on quality of life. Now my goal is pain management, preventing my health from deteriorating, and regaining as much health as I once had as possible.

Even while relatively healthy, for some reason for much of my life I just didn’t feel comfortable in my skin. It seems humorous thinking back on it now because I’d do anything to feel as comfortable in my skin as anytime before the crash. Especially right after it happened, my body never felt so alien, hostile, and confining.

Changing Relationships

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As much as Danielle’s support motivated me and as fortunate as I was to have it, I couldn’t help but question whether I deserved it. Before the crash I was well aware that my job pulled in less income than her’s, so I compensated by doing chores she was less inclined to do such as vacuuming, fixing things, taking out the trash and recycling, anything dealing with technology, etc. I also took pride in providing at least a sense of security and stability. Now I’ve become a liability and source of instability, no longer being able to contribute economically other than disability claims and needing a lot more resources to sustain my health.

Just as my role in my marriage was altered, I thought about how all of my relationships would be fundamentally changed. I regretted never deepening any of the numerous workplace friendships I formed over the past few years. There were many coworkers I genuinely liked but never spoke to at greater length than sharing short anecdotes or trading compliments and pleasantries either because of social awkwardness or perceived lack of time. Now I know I should have made time because I’ll miss even those brief interactions and it’ll be just a matter of time before we fade out of each other’s lives.

I’ve never had a huge circle of friends but felt close to all of them, though I could have done more to express it. I’d make an effort to show up when invited to get-togethers and even organized my own, though in recent years such occasions became less frequent. I assumed most friends had become too busy with major life changes such as new jobs, new homes, kids, etc. When I saw all of them come out in support after my injury, I felt intense gratitude as well as regret for not reaching out more before.

Seeing my mother in Neuro ICU and the hazy memory of my father in Trauma ICU, while comforting, also reminded me of how relatively frail they now are compared to my childhood memories of the 70s and 80s. This should have been the time I started doing more to help them instead of needing more of their help. The same could be said for my in-laws, who continue to do so much to help Danielle and me despite having health issues of their own.

As an escape from the guilt and regret associated with others, my thoughts drifted further inward.

Grief and Gratitude

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As much as I wanted to engage in magical thinking I knew it was a healthier choice to come to terms with my new life, as painful as it might be. In an attempt to provide some sense of acceptance and closure, I visualized places and activities that in all likelihood I would never go back to again. Examples included local mountain trails, snowshoe hikes, and kayak trips, paddle boarding above sea turtles in Hawaii, swimming with sea lions, exploring a cloud forest in Nicaragua, touring caves and castles in Slovenia, walks along beaches and sand dunes, etc. After a rapidfire flashback of countless memories, I gave thanks for having had the chance to experience them, then bid them farewell.

Most of those fond memories were with Danielle and many wouldn’t have happened without her careful planning. Because she’s a social worker and I was a mail courier, we never had an abundance of non-discretionary funds. Thanks to her research and strategic use of our resources, we shared many experiences that would normally be beyond our price range.

Though I never doubted she would stay with me through the ordeal, I worried about what would become of her. Even with insurance and social security my condition was likely to drain our savings. She would sacrifice not only future vacations but possibly retirement and health savings as well. As my primary caregiver, the physical toll and added stress would inevitably affect her health and quality of life. Realizing that in all likelihood I would be condemning her to a life of drudgery, I experienced a different form of “survivor’s guilt”.

As an alternative, I envisioned a transition from unconsciousness to death on the street at the site of the crash had first responders taken a little longer to arrive. Even though my life would end sooner, it’d be a relatively quick and painless death. Danielle would be grief-stricken for a time but at least she’d have a chance to lead a normal life again. That was how I honestly felt, but since then there have been moments we shared which approached the happiness and normalcy of our lives before my injury. Though such moments aren’t always without pain and stress, the sense of possibility and hope they present make me realize my new life is a blessing as well as a curse.

Some might view my surviving the crash as a miracle, but what I feel is the true miracle is that I was fortunate enough to marry someone who would sacrifice so much and fight tirelessly for my well-being and a future together. Mostly because of her I continue to struggle to regain health and adapt.

Another Long Night

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As Danielle and Florence prepared to go back home for the evening, they made sure a mouth-activated nurse-call button was within reach in case of an emergency. They both gave a farewell hug which, while emotionally comforting, was physically painful not unlike putting pressure on a bruise.

Danielle also set up a small bluetooth speaker connected to my phone. At home I’d occasionally listen to music or a podcast through an earpiece to be able to sleep through the noise of my c-pap machine. Since my mind was still too foggy to follow a podcast I opted for music on a Spotify playlist.

I started creating the playlist around 2022 and envisioned it as a sampling of songs for an imaginary pirate radio station (inspired by early 90s Radio Free Hawaii). It gradually grew to many hours of music and is the same playlist as the one on the Spotify widget on the bottom-left corner of this site. I hoped it’d be a distraction from obsessive thoughts, but it backfired initially.

In my fragile state of mind I felt highly attuned to the emotions of others including the musicians’. Any song performed with a modicum of authenticity (especially involving themes of heartbreak or loss) was enough to trigger a steady flow of tears. This was surprising at first because I normally wouldn’t be so moved by music, but of course my circumstances weren’t normal and I struggled to hold back tears for the sake of my visitors throughout the day.

Another characteristic of some of the triggering songs was their association with specific memories. I was transported to happier times with Danielle such as driving to a campsite, attending concerts, dinner parties with friends, even cooking breakfast at home on a random weekend. These memories led to a different train of thought which was all of the activities I could no longer do and places I could no longer see in person.

At this point I was well aware I was spiraling into depression but gave myself permission to continue. I’ve always had a tendency to suppress my feelings but I felt if I continued that pattern it would make the trauma worse.

Assessing the Damage

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In hindsight, what obsessed my thoughts upon regaining full consciousness at the neuro ICU was described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I certainly experienced all of them, though in varying order and levels of intensity and repetition, for my mind kept looping back to different stages and emotions.

Denial was one of the earliest stages, which I felt as soon as I realized I couldn’t fully move. Anger was less dominant and would be directed at what I felt to be an unjust god or universe, myself, or anyone else who may have been involved (I had no idea since I had no memory of what happened). I also experienced my own form of bargaining, imagining what I’d sacrifice or do differently were I to have a chance to regain my former body and way of life. Depression permeated my mental state at the time, and though I knew I needed to accept the reality of my situation, it was and still is a struggle to retain acceptance and resist the temptation of magical thinking.

To distract from thoughts related to grief and loss, I focused instead on physical sensations. Though I couldn’t see intentional movement below my shoulders, when I attempted to move arms or legs I detected certain muscles firing. The signals were fairly weak but were hopeful signs nevertheless. Occasionally I’d feel a sudden random leg twitch which made me think of rigor mortis. With each twitch, as well as whenever I moved parts of my shoulders still capable of movement, I felt a surge of tingling similar to how it feels when one’s leg or arm is asleep.

My sense of touch below the shoulders was altered in other ways as well. The cloth touching my body felt odd and unnatural while parts of my arm that were exposed seemed extra sensitive to even the slightest breeze such as the one emitted from an overhead AC vent. I felt the sensation of a metal bar over my chest just below my neck which was actually the separation line between the paralyzed and non-paralyzed parts of my body. Overall, my body felt numb, which I was later informed was a result of widespread inflammation due to trauma. This was a small blessing since as inflammation reduced over time, muscle tightness and spasms increased and continue to plague me to this day.

My phantom limbs were in the same position over my chest while actual arms were still alongside my torso. I’ve always thought phantom limb syndrome only occurred when one loses limbs, but apparently it also happens when the brain has faulty connections to limbs. I’ll never get over how strange it is to feel my limbs at the wrong locations.

The main source of physical pain I felt at the time came from the breathing tube near my throat and an additional tube taped to my nose which I later learned was a medication feed tube. The pain was heightened every time I swallowed. I also detected a few chipped teeth with my tongue. The only other notably altered sensation was a feeling of tiny sparks on the skin of my forehead. This turned out to be the new way I experienced sweating.

Having spent what felt like sufficient time alone, I looked forward to the staff and visitors that I expected would soon show up.

Surrendering to Reality

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When I woke up with the full realization that I was paralyzed, my mind was deluged with questions, speculations, fears and regrets. Judging from the faint light though window blinds, it was still early dawn. I was relieved no one else was in the room because I needed time alone to think.

One of the earliest and most reoccurring thoughts was simply why? I felt the more literal and simplistic answers such as bad luck or bad choices the least satisfying and hardest to accept, and turned my attention towards religion. I wasn’t a deeply religious person before the crash but did hold some hope for the existence of karma. But it’s easier to understand in the abstract how one’s circumstances could be the result of actions in a past life or how current actions affect future incarnations. When one suddenly becomes quadriplegic, such knowledge is of little comfort though it did provide an explanation.

Were I Christian I’d probably want to believe god works in mysterious ways or that my catastrophic injury was part of a master plan. Conversely, I could imagine becoming so disillusioned that I rejected my faith and now characterized god as cruel or indifferent. But if by some miracle I was completely healed, then god would once again be loving and merciful. Recognizing the futility of such magical thinking, I found it comforting nevertheless. I visualized being back home as if my life had never been disrupted. Perhaps that was my reality in an alternate timeline or parallel universe? As much as I wanted to escape into fantasy, I knew I had to focus on the present.

No matter how I felt about my situation, the reality is that it happened and there might not be a satisfying explanation. I could relate to existentialists who, after confronting the incomprehensible nature of existence, sought to create their own meaning. I was also more inclined to believe in the Gnostic concept of a malicious demiurge as creator of a corrupted material world. As hard as it might be to accept, the universe is chaotic and owes us nothing.

Thoughts About Mind, Consciousness, & Humanity’s Origin

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Can understanding the nature of Mind, consciousness and the ET phenomenon lead us to an expanded understanding of our origins?

By Tom Bunzel

Source: The Pulse

As a fan of Eckhart Tolle I’ve always liked his description of Consciousness (or ‘Being’ which seems his preference) as “No Thing.”

This separates “Being” from the world of form, and puts it into the area of what Tesla called “nonmaterial reality.”

I’ve generally thought of this reality as (an) Infinite Mind (again as opposed to “God”) to take out the anthropomorphic bias which seems to permeate organized religion. Political Christianity and some other groups seem to relish an angry and vengeful God to keep the parishioners paying. But when you step away from beliefs that are easily debunked you are still left with a fact.

We seem to be thinking.

Of course, it was Descartes who famously equated thought with Being, which has led to all sorts of issues that Eckhart Tolle describes well in his work.  When we identify with only our thoughts, we have narrowed our focus and reduced reality to labels. 

But the reality of thought persists.  What is it?

Is Thought Electricity in the Brain?

Neuroscientists seem to have identified the presence of thoughts in the brain through various instruments that can pick up electrical signals in parts of the brain and between synapses.

But so far, I don’t believe they can “download” these signals and decode them.

When we observe our thoughts, we can see that they seem to be comprised of “words”.  In fact, I’ve had the experience of thinking in languages other than English (my native language is German) and of course, the thoughts come as words – sometimes in cogent sentences or perhaps just one word. 

So, I was musing, what about ancient humans? Did they need to form a sentence in their brains to warn them that a lion might be in the bushes?

If you’ve ever experienced trauma, you know the answer – our limbic system activates, putting us in “fight or flight” well before any thought ever happens. 

I would suggest that a primal, lower frequency of Mind operates in our limbic system, before thought and language.

So, when did we start thinking in “words”?

According to my AI friend,

“scholars believe it [language] originated at least 100,000 years ago during the Middle Stone Age. The development of language is linked to the increased complexity of human culture and cognition.”

Maybe a tribe of hunter-gatherers developed a sound for “lion” and it became a warning cry.  Then perhaps “big” lion or “many lions”.

We know that our ancients memorialized beasts in petroglyphs of various kinds to communicate but the next big breakthrough was when the words, sentences and thus concepts were able to be preserved.

Writing Was the Big Game Changer

AI tells us that

“Writing systems were invented independently by different civilizations thousands of years ago as a means of recording information. The earliest writing emerged around 3,500-3,000 BCE in Mesopotamia and Egypt. Chinese writing developed around 1,200 BCE.”

So now I will do what they do on Ancient Aliens, which is take a speculative leap based on the foregoing.

It intrigues me that the cultures that seemed to “create” writing all have a version of the Prometheus myth – crediting the “Gods” with giving them the gift of higher knowledge.

To connect this to the beginning of writing seems to make sense, as we have precisely these myths in Mesopotamia (Annunaki) and Egypt. 

And it seems clear that with the onset of the written word (and mathematical notations) great leaps in human progress came almost in quantum intervals.  We got the printing press and eventually our modern technology.

We might speculate that it is likely that Mind has been with us forever, but that thought evolved and expanded dramatically with the beginning of writing – and that writing could easily be seen as a gift that transformed human civilization.   

There May Have Been Consequences for Teaching Humanity

It is also very plausible that any entity that conveyed such a gift to humanity may well have angered other entities that wanted to keep humans in check. 

Cuneiform tablets from the Sumerians describe how one “God” Enki created humans in the image of the Annunaki and gave them knowledge – but most of the humans were wiped out by his rival Enil in the great flood.  We now have evidence in the geological record that such a flood happened about 12,000 years ago.

But just this little thought experiment can vastly expand our sense of our place in the cosmos along with providing a much-needed dose of humility.

What if we did not simply “evolve” with natural selection but received assistance in an area we are now beginning to understand – genetics?  This would indicate a profound connection to the cosmos in a way that is disregarded by our current society.

It is also worth noting, as my AI explains,

“There is evidence that around 250,000-300,000 years ago there were some key genetic changes in early humans that contributed to increased brain size and advanced cognitive abilities compared to other primates.” 

Where these came from or how they came about is still a mystery.

And now that it seems apparent that some visitation by “entities” from the sky is not likely fiction but a reality, it may help to broaden our understanding of Nature and how we got here.

My AI friend makes another statement which I think is exactly backwards:

“Some key developments that enabled writing include the evolution of symbolic thought, the invention of systems of counting, and the emergence of urban civilization needing record-keeping.”

Clearly, it was first language, and then writing and math that led to this evolution of our brains, not the other way around.  Our original brains would have needed to expand to accommodate our first language which took us beyond the limbic system to labeling, and ultimately writing which led us to sharing ideas and thinking “symbolically” – using groups of letters as words and then sentences to convey increasingly complex concepts.

My own experience with neuroplasticity confirms that new uses for the brain expand its capacity, creating new pathways and neural networks. People who keep learning seem less susceptible to dementia.

Opening to the possibility that our evolution was “jump started” by extraterrestrials changes the narrative from chance and natural selection to a more profound connection to the universe in areas that our current science has mostly yet to penetrate. (Nonmaterial reality).

A Clue that Space Is Not Empty

But technology in particular seems to point us in the right direction – it was the offspring of the printing press – the computer – which eventually led us to a huge breakthrough in our awareness of the nonmaterial or seeming empty space as being potentially much much more.

When we developed WiFi suddenly the information encoded in words, thoughts and sentences could travel through space. So who knows what other information or Mind stuff has been around us all along?

Because Mind is everywhere and at the heart of Nature.

Just Seeing Through The Propaganda Isn’t Enough — We’ve Got To Open Our Hearts As Well

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Humanity doesn’t just need to escape from the mental prison of imperial indoctrination. It needs to escape from the heart prison as well.

By Caitlin Johnstone

Source: CaitlinJohnstone.com.au

Humanity doesn’t just need to escape from the mental prison of imperial indoctrination. It needs to escape from the heart prison as well.

I’m always talking here about the need to fight empire propaganda to help the public awaken to the fact that everything we’ve been trained to believe about the world is a lie, because that insight taking root in sufficient numbers would be the first step toward the revolutionary changes our world so desperately needs.

But large numbers of people opening their eyes to the reality of mass-scale psychological manipulation by the powerful would by itself be insufficient, because people need not only to see the truth — they also need to care. 

Realizing the depravity and immense human suffering the US-centralized empire is responsible for creates an opportunity to respond to this insight with horror and begin resisting it — but it is only an opportunity. At that juncture it’s still possible for someone to realize that we’re not being told the truth about what’s happening in the world, but decide to play along with the lies anyway, either because the existing world order has made them wealthy, or because they are too indoctrinated with support for western power structures, or because they ideologically support Israel, or because they’re afraid of the changes and upheaval that would come with an overturning of the status quo, or because they are intellectually and morally lazy, or some other selfish reason.

Realizing that you’ve been indoctrinated into accepting a pernicious status quo unlocks an important door within yourself, but just because that door is opened doesn’t mean you have to walk through it. Walking through it requires another kind of awakening — an awakening of the heart.

Really no amount of knowledge or intellectual insight will ever set us free as a species in and of itself. You could upload the sum total of human knowledge into the brain of everyone on earth — including even government secrets that aren’t public knowledge — but unless this is accompanied by a collective opening of the heart, it wouldn’t make any difference. Unless people can find it within themselves to care deeply about the horrific things our rulers have been doing to our fellow human beings, no amount of knowledge about those things will catalyze real change.

And there are plenty of people who know but don’t care. The most powerful government agencies in the world are run by people who know terrible secrets about our ruling power structures that we ordinary members of the public are not allowed to know, but because their loyalty is to the empire and not to humanity, they don’t care about the moral implications of what they know or the human suffering the empire is responsible for.

So the demand of this moment in history is not just to understand, but to care. Not just to know what’s wrong with the world, but to feel it. Not just to awaken on the level of the head, but to awaken on the level of the heart as well. Not just to value our own personal understanding, but to value humanity as a whole.

Knowledge of the truth can lead to a profound compassion for the victims of the globe-spanning power structure which rules over us and a determination to oppose its cruelty — that’s why said power structure pours so much energy into keeping everyone propagandized. But it doesn’t necessarily need to lead to such compassion. The light of truth can stop its expansion at the gates of the heart, unless there’s some willingness from somewhere deep inside us to throw those gates open.

Ultimately humanity just needs to wake up, on every level. We need to liberate ourselves from the shackles of propaganda. We need to liberate ourselves from the shackles on our hearts. We need to liberate ourselves from the shackles of the ego. We need to liberate ourselves from the shackles of the dualistic perspective which obfuscates the oneness of all of reality from our vision. 

That’s what’s being asked of us at this juncture. To wake all the way up and become a conscious species. That’s the only way we’ll ever be able to move about on this planet in a healthy and harmonious way. 

And we’ll either rise to the occasion or we won’t. We’ll either wake up, or we’ll destroy ourselves. I believe we have the freedom as a species to go either way.