As Danielle and Florence prepared to go back home for the evening, they made sure a mouth-activated nurse-call button was within reach in case of an emergency. They both gave a farewell hug which, while emotionally comforting, was physically painful not unlike putting pressure on a bruise.

Danielle also set up a small bluetooth speaker connected to my phone. At home I’d occasionally listen to music or a podcast through an earpiece to be able to sleep through the noise of my c-pap machine. Since my mind was still too foggy to follow a podcast I opted for music on a Spotify playlist.

I started creating the playlist around 2022 and envisioned it as a sampling of songs for an imaginary pirate radio station (inspired by early 90s Radio Free Hawaii). It gradually grew to many hours of music and is the same playlist as the one on the Spotify widget on the bottom-left corner of this site. I hoped it’d be a distraction from obsessive thoughts, but it backfired initially.

In my fragile state of mind I felt highly attuned to the emotions of others including the musicians’. Any song performed with a modicum of authenticity (especially involving themes of heartbreak or loss) was enough to trigger a steady flow of tears. This was surprising at first because I normally wouldn’t be so moved by music, but of course my circumstances weren’t normal and I struggled to hold back tears for the sake of my visitors throughout the day.

Another characteristic of some of the triggering songs was their association with specific memories. I was transported to happier times with Danielle such as driving to a campsite, attending concerts, dinner parties with friends, even cooking breakfast at home on a random weekend. These memories led to a different train of thought which was all of the activities I could no longer do and places I could no longer see in person.

At this point I was well aware I was spiraling into depression but gave myself permission to continue. I’ve always had a tendency to suppress my feelings but I felt if I continued that pattern it would make the trauma worse.