In hindsight, what obsessed my thoughts upon regaining full consciousness at the neuro ICU was described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I certainly experienced all of them, though in varying order and levels of intensity and repetition, for my mind kept looping back to different stages and emotions.

Denial was one of the earliest stages, which I felt as soon as I realized I couldn’t fully move. Anger was less dominant and would be directed at what I felt to be an unjust god or universe, myself, or anyone else who may have been involved (I had no idea since I had no memory of what happened). I also experienced my own form of bargaining, imagining what I’d sacrifice or do differently were I to have a chance to regain my former body and way of life. Depression permeated my mental state at the time, and though I knew I needed to accept the reality of my situation, it was and still is a struggle to retain acceptance and resist the temptation of magical thinking.

To distract from thoughts related to grief and loss, I focused instead on physical sensations. Though I couldn’t see intentional movement below my shoulders, when I attempted to move arms or legs I detected certain muscles firing. The signals were fairly weak but were hopeful signs nevertheless. Occasionally I’d feel a sudden random leg twitch which made me think of rigor mortis. With each twitch, as well as whenever I moved parts of my shoulders still capable of movement, I felt a surge of tingling similar to how it feels when one’s leg or arm is asleep.

My sense of touch below the shoulders was altered in other ways as well. The cloth touching my body felt odd and unnatural while parts of my arm that were exposed seemed extra sensitive to even the slightest breeze such as the one emitted from an overhead AC vent. I felt the sensation of a metal bar over my chest just below my neck which was actually the separation line between the paralyzed and non-paralyzed parts of my body. Overall, my body felt numb, which I was later informed was a result of widespread inflammation due to trauma. This was a small blessing since as inflammation reduced over time, muscle tightness and spasms increased and continue to plague me to this day.

My phantom limbs were in the same position over my chest while actual arms were still alongside my torso. I’ve always thought phantom limb syndrome only occurred when one loses limbs, but apparently it also happens when the brain has faulty connections to limbs. I’ll never get over how strange it is to feel my limbs at the wrong locations.

The main source of physical pain I felt at the time came from the breathing tube near my throat and an additional tube taped to my nose which I later learned was a medication feed tube. The pain was heightened every time I swallowed. I also detected a few chipped teeth with my tongue. The only other notably altered sensation was a feeling of tiny sparks on the skin of my forehead. This turned out to be the new way I experienced sweating.

Having spent what felt like sufficient time alone, I looked forward to the staff and visitors that I expected would soon show up.