Inspired by the situation in Ferguson, satirists at The Onion have been on a roll with a series of posts which are simultaneously humorous, incisive and sadly true as commentary on the absurdity and psychopathy of what so many accept as normal and acceptable.
Source: The Onion
Report: 79% Of Minority Suspects Receive Miranda Rights While Unconscious
WASHINGTON—Shedding light on law enforcement practices across the country, a Department of Justice study released Friday revealed that more than three-fourths of minority suspects in police custody receive their Miranda rights while unconscious. “In 79 percent of arrests involving blacks or Latinos, suspects were administered their rights while prostrate on the concrete, collapsed against a police car, or blacking out in the midst of a chokehold,” stated the report, which examined 2,000 arrests made last year where minority suspects remained either conscious, unconscious, or slowly drifting in and out of consciousness. “The data also confirmed that among non-white arrests last year, most police officers made an effort to determine if the suspect had a pulse before reading from their warning card.” The report further concluded that 98 percent of African-American suspects had their Miranda rights administered in between blows of a police baton.
Unpopular Police Officer Thinking About Committing Racially Motivated Offense For A Little Support
INDIANAPOLIS—Tired of being overlooked by everyone in his precinct, unpopular Indianapolis Police Department officer Kyle Norris told reporters Wednesday he was considering committing a racially motivated offense to generate a little support. “To be honest, I’m not the most well-known or looked-up-to guy around here, but I’m thinking that if I get caught up in a controversy after shooting a minority resident under questionable circumstances, things would really change for me,” said Norris, who added that having his coworkers immediately rally around him after the incident, watching consecutive nights of public demonstrations defending his actions, and finally receiving praise directly from the chief of police would be a nice change of pace from his day-to-day life as an ignored and unappreciated member of the force. “Obviously, I’d take some heat from some citizens, but I think it would be worth it when just as many people respond by openly speaking about my exemplary record as an officer and calling me a pillar of the community. No one’s ever said that about me before. If this thing gets big enough, I might even see some people on Twitter and TV calling me a hero—that would feel good.” Norris added that it would probably also be a nice little boost when the 12 members of his jury take less than an hour to declare him not guilty.
The Pros And Cons Of Militarizing The Police
The ongoing clashes between residents of Ferguson, MO and heavily armed police forces—which are equipped with M16 rifles and armored vehicles—have drawn attention to the increasing militarization of police in the United States. Here are the cases for and against outfitting local law enforcement with military-grade weapons:
PROS
- Same tactics used successfully in Afghanistan, Iraq
- Modern law enforcement simply cannot do their job properly by relying on handguns, tasers, and tear gas alone
- A real shot in arm for nation’s ailing weapons industry
- Look on driver’s face when tank pulls up beside Mini Cooper always fun
- Local photojournalists now able to capture fog of war at home
- Nice surprise treat for veterans to see weapons they used in war pop up on their hometown streets
- Never a bad idea to put a more powerful gun in someone’s hand
- Actually going to seem pretty quaint when compared with police armaments 20 years from now
CONS
- Most police officers have proven fully capable of violently subduing protesters without any military-grade weapons
- It’s actually very hard to recite Miranda rights while holding 40-pound grenade launcher
- There’s no longer any middle ground between community watch and military
- Mine Resistant Ambush Protected Vehicles only get 5 miles per gallon
- Jesus, just look at this shit
- Military-style helmets limit peripheral vision while firing indiscriminately into crowd
- Could potentially be abused if put in lesser hands than America’s historically honest and virtuous police departments
- Takes away that personal touch of beating a suspect to death with bare hands
Tips For Being An Unarmed Black Teen
With riots raging in Ferguson, MO following the shooting death by police of an unarmed African-American youth, the nation has turned its eyes toward social injustice and the continuing crisis of race relations. Here are The Onion’s tips for being an unarmed black teen in America:
- Shy away from dangerous, heavily policed areas.
- Avoid swaggering or any other confident behavior that suggests you are not completely subjugated.
- Be sure not to pick up any object that could be perceived by a police officer as a firearm, such as a cell phone, a food item, or nothing.
- Explain in clear and logical terms that you do not enjoy being shot, and would prefer that it not happen.
- Don’t let society stereotype you as a petty criminal. Remember that you can be seen as so much more, from an armed robbery suspect, to a rape suspect, to a murder suspect.
- Try to see it from a police officer’s point of view: You may be unarmed, but you’re also black.
- Avoid wearing clothing associated with the gang lifestyle, such as shirts and pants.
- Revel in the fact that by simply existing, you exert a threatening presence over the nation’s police force.
- Be as polite and straightforward as possible when police officers are kicking the shit out of you.
Desultory Heroics 